Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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