It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
