someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
