I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
