dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
