I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
