Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
