I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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