This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
