I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
