Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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