I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize