dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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