The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
