The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
