Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's rum buckets o'clock
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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