apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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