I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
