Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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