I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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