she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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