did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
