Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
