y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
