My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
