i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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