im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
