I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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