He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
not ubering you a puppy
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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