I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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