I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize