you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
