I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
