i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
