Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
