i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
