my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
