The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
