I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
