So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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