My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
