Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
