so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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