i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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