The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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