Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
