Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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