hotel room ftw
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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