I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
