So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
