Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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