In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
