She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
