my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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