today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
