pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
