You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
