this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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