Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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