Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
