i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
