listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
